i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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