So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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