I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
