I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
