weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
