I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She announced her abortion via fbk
It was confusing and full of hummus
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
