His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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