She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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