I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
