What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
