I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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