I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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