Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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