Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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