The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
