Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
