he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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