He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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