somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
