Define "chronic" masturbator.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Vodka?
Forever.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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