Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
