no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
