i was born a porn star she said
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
