Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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