I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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