Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
