i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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