that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
