We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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