All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
