Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
