i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
