Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
