why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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