Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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