Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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