we're blogging at a bar
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
