You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
