I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
