she looked like the before picture.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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