Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
that may or may not have been my penis.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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