I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
