Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
