ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
