Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
