Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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