Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
