Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
