The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
