I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
