I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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